Waffle Ass

Last boat leaving

2007-06-24T11:13:00.000-04:00

In my recent "goodbye to all that" post, I said there might be one more post here at Waffle Ass.

Well, this is it. It's just to inform you that for reasons which are known only to himself, the blogger Roger Ailes (not to be confused with the Fox News fatass Roger Ailes) has chosen me to be part of his stable of fill-in bloggers while he takes a well-deserved vacation. My first post at his site can be found here.

It's quite an honor to be able to post at one of the best blogs out there. Thanks, Roger.

And now THIS is the last post you'll ever see on Waffle Ass. Please feel free to read my new blog Yazoo Street Scandal. So long, and thanks for all the fish.

R.I.P. Waffle Ass, 2006-2007 (barely)

2007-06-19T18:19:00.001-04:00

This blog got sick in the early days of 2007 and it never recovered. There will be no new posts to Waffle Ass, except for maybe one more.

I will leave the archives up for as long as Blogger will permit me to. I am proud of some of what we did here while things were going good.

I would like to thank KBueno, RFdude, and Heywood J. for their contributions to the Waffle Ass experiment. And if you got any pleasure from Waffle Ass, I would like to thank you too.

I am currently blogging at Yazoo Street Scandal and jaded. Please visit me there, won't you?

Introducing Heywood J.

2007-01-05T17:02:00.000-05:00

Today, at long last, we are proud to add the esteemed Heywood J. to the Waffle Ass crew. His first post, in praise of the late Gerald Ford, is immediately below this one.

I hope that Heywood will write more posts as thoughtful as this one. I've known the dude since--well, since the Ford administration--and the boy has some serious writing chops.

RFDude and KBueno are, at least in theory, still part of Team Waffle Ass. I hope that they too will continue to write for this blog as we venture into the new year.

But in the meantime: welcome aboard, Heywood J. Remind me to get you a key to the executive washroom.

Honoring the honorable Gerald Ford

2007-01-05T16:48:00.000-05:00

An unwavering supporter of freedom of choice for women and gay rights. A stalwart champion of civil rights who helped shepherd the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the Voting Rights Act of 1965 through the House of Representatives. The appointer of Justice John Paul Stevens, the most liberal current member of the high Court.

A head of government who chose as his vice-president the most liberal national figure in the Republican Party. A proponent of marijuana decriminalization and overall rationalization of narcotics laws. A supporter of gun control.

A foe of the CIA who declassified countless documents detailing the imperialistic excesses of his Republican predecessors, including the first official U.S. acknowledgments of CIA sponsorship of reactionary military coups in Guatemala, Iran, and Chile. A tireless of advocate of global human rights who signed the Helsinki Accords with the Soviet Union. A successful practitioner of detente with the Communist bloc who avoided military confrontations with aggressive Soviet and PRC puppet regimes.

A commander-in-chief who refused to squander additional American lives and resources to rescue the failed Saigon regime, but did all that he could to remove South Vietnamese allies of the United States from the grasp of a vengeance-bent Hanoi as a matter of national honor. A World War II veteran and war hero who opposed militarism and American aggression to virtually his last breath.

An advocate of necessary and responsible governmental economic controls when the free market failed to operate as theorized by conservative economists. A self-made success, yet a genuine friend of the common American who never forgot his humble roots -- not just one who played one on TV. A President who vetoed countless acts of Congress designed to benefit corporate and other elite interests. A life-long public servant who took on the thankless task of leading a divided, angry, and cynical nation at one of its most critical historical junctures.

A statesman who did what he thought was right and in the interests of the nation even at the cost of incurring short-term popular disapproval and loss of re-election support. A politician long reputed by friend and foe alike as a man of principle, ethics, and sound judgment, as well as moderation and bipartisanship. The candidate who, in the 1976 Presidential election, earned the votes of George McGovern and his entire family.

This was Gerald R. Ford, 38th President of the United States. To a liberal Democrat in the early twenty-first century, his profile reads like a wish-list of qualities desired for national leadership. I would be elated beyond words if my party -- for that matter, either party -- could produce a candidate in 2008 with the potential to achieve a similar record, even within a full four-year term. Unfortunately, President Ford was a product of another time and place, another generation, another world view, another values hierarchy. To those who would demean the memory and legacy of this decent man and patriotic public servant merely by reason of his party affiliation, I say that you are guilty of the very closed-minded demonizing that has marked the Republican Party in recent decades.

No longer the party of Abraham Lincoln or Gerald Ford (hell, not even the party of Theodore Roosevelt or Dwight Eisenhower), the religious-rightist country-club-elitist party of Reagan and the Bushes, through their well-known hired-gun media mouthpieces, have, as we all know, promoted their political fortunes via a relentless campaign fueled by the spewing of hatred, intolerance, misinformation, anger, resentment, and all other forms of negativity against any member of the opposing Democratic party, irrespective of objective merit, effectiveness, good intentions, or other values advanced by his or her politics.

By contrast, the liberalism which I cherish entails adjudging individuals as individuals according to their own merits and demerits, not according to stereotypic assumptions about persons "like them" or by imputing to them the misdeeds of others with whom they are associated. The deeply disturbing Ford-bashing which I have seen in recent days, which has come from some supposedly liberal commentators, signifies, in my mind, a resort to the same sort of unprincipled -- indeed, reprehensible -- tactics lately employed by conservative commentators. I find this type of emotional, hyperbolic, and ideologically-driven attack no less distasteful when it comes from the left than when it comes from the right.

Gerald Ford was not a perfect President, nor a perfect man. Instances of flawed judgment, partisanship, and missed opportunities to have "done it better" can readily be cited. However, that Jerry Ford is not a viable candidate for canonization does not consign him a fortiori to the bottom circle of Presidential hell. All I know is that I would greatly prefer one Jerry Ford to a legion of Nixons, Reagans, and Bushes. The best qualities and contributions of those four Republican Presidents, in summation, fall as woefully short of the Ford standard as the sum of their evils and failures exceed it. We should be so lucky as to see the likes of another Gerald Ford in our lifetime.

One more ex-X President

2006-12-27T00:30:00.000-05:00

Father Time finally did what Lynette Fromme and Sara Jane Moore could not:

Gerald R. Ford, who picked up the pieces of Richard Nixon's scandal-shattered White House as the 38th and only unelected president in America's history, has died, his wife, Betty, said Tuesday. He was 93.

He wasn't the worst president I've ever seen, not by a long shot, but he wasn't very good, either. I personally never forgave him for this, and I never will:

A lot of people thought that the pardon was a good thing, because it "let the nation heal." I guess that's one way to look at it. Another way would be to say that Ford let Nixon walk away a free man instead of spending the rest of his life in and out of courtrooms, and eventually prison, which is what the treacherous bastard deserved.

Ford, like Reagan, died at age 93. George Herbert Walker Bush, the father of the miserable failure who currently fouls the White House, is 82. I don't know about you, but I don't want to have to wait 11 more years to hear about him joining his crooked friends.

Lost someone

2006-12-27T00:01:00.000-05:00

I haven't written about the death of James Brown yet, because I knew someone would do a far better job than I could.

One of those someones, naturally, is Roy Edroso, over at alicublog. Here's a taste:

. . . JB was a shuck-and-jivester who sometimes left a bad smell after himself, but whose glories far surpassed his trespasses.

. . .

JB's music is full of hairpin turns and dead-stops -- you better be on top of things if you're playing it. But those tight boundaries just make the grooves groovier. The funk has got to be loose, but the turnarounds have got to be snare-head tight. It's only when those rivets are snug that the pocket can get deep.

No one talks about JB as a songwriter. In a way, that's unfair. Some of his songs are excellent on their own terms. Check out Eartha Kitt's strangely compelling cover of "It's a Man's Man's Man's World" to get a taste of how far that supposedly macho lyric can be stretched. Or just look at it plain, especially at the end: "He's lost, lost in the wilderness . . . he's lost, lost in the loneliness . . ." That ain't triumph. That ain't even soul-man baby-please-don't-go pleading with a promise in its pocket. That's despair. She ain't coming back. Ain't no one coming back. That's the end, the sad, stinking, canned-heat end of a ladies' man who's run out of game. It gives cold-water-flat chills.

Please read it all. Roy's written eulogies before, and he's a master of the form.

"You know, you're not a bad singer"

2006-12-20T15:45:00.000-05:00

Every year around this time, I like to read Mark Evanier's story about the day that Mel Tormé, while eating lunch at the Farmers Market in Los Angeles, got up to sing a chorus of his "The Christmas Song." It's a great story and Evanier's tone is perfect.

You can read the story here.

Peter Boyle, 1935 - 2006

2006-12-13T13:40:00.000-05:00

Television and film actor Peter Boyle died yesterday in New York at the age of 71.

He was best known, of course, for his recent portrayal of Frank Barone on the CBS shitcom "Everybody Loves Raymond." But many others, myself included, will always remember his role as the Frankenstein monster in Mel Brooks's "Young Frankenstein." He was also good in John "Rocky" Avildsen's 1970 non-hit "Joe," a movie which should be seen by all, and not only because it features a nude bathtub scene with a young Susan Sarandon.

I never knew this, but John Lennon was the best man at Boyle's 1977 wedding. Not too shabby.

So long, Peter. You'll be missed. And if you run into John wherever you are, tell him we miss him too.

Stay the course

2006-12-07T08:54:00.000-05:00

Gettin' nasty, Dubya style. This isn't work-safe, but then again if you're reading Waffle Ass at work, you probably don't care all that much about your job anyway. So knock yourself out, friend.

Gettin' ripped

2006-12-04T18:49:00.000-05:00

Actor Rip Torn, who was acquitted of drunken-driving charges two years ago in New York City, was arrested again Monday in the suburbs after a collision, state police said.

More here.

Hey, at least he didn't try to blame it on a pretzel the way some assholes do.

Casey Coleman, 1951 - 2006

2006-11-27T09:48:00.000-05:00

WTAM sportscaster Casey Coleman, long known throughout Cleveland as the voice of the Browns, died early this morning after a brave battle with pancreatic cancer.

No one will ever be able to prove it, but I suspect that after watching yesterday's Browns game, poor old Casey simply lost the will to live. RIP, Casey.

30 - love

2006-11-27T00:57:00.000-05:00

Nice job, Romeo.

Hell, it wasn't so bad, really. If the Browns had only scored four touchdowns, kicked the PAT each time, and converted that missed field goal, they'd have won the game.

I don't own a dog, but I'm seriously thinking about going out to buy one, just so I can have one on hand. He'll be the dog I wouldn't hit in the ass with the way this team's been playing lately.

Robert Jr. Lockwood, 1915 - 2006

2006-11-22T14:41:00.000-05:00

From today's Plain Dealer:

Grammy Award-nominated bluesman Robert Lockwood Jr., one of the last direct links to the primal blues of the Mississippi Delta and a popular fixture on Cleveland's music scene for decades, died of respiratory failure Tuesday afternoon at University Hospitals Case Medical Center. He was 91.

The PD gives his name as Robert Lockwood Jr., but I've always known him as Robert Jr. Lockwood.

I first heard Robert Jr. play about thirty years ago. He used to perform at the cafeteria of the student union at the college I attended. To me, a typical suburban stoner whose sole idea of good music was bands like Queen, Boston, and ELO, he was just some old guy with an acoustic guitar playing a kind of music I didn't much care to hear. Someone to mock for not being as cool as I thought my friends and I were.

Of course, I had my head up my ass. I didn't know it, but even then Robert Jr. was one of the legends of blues. Even then he'd been making a living as a professional musician for thirty years. And thirty years later, he was still playing the occasional gig in Cleveland, still performing as a sideman on the CD of a friend. His own CDs were nominated, twice, for Grammy awards.

The last time I saw Robert Jr. was two years ago, at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame tribute concert for Lead Belly. Robert Jr. shared the stage with people like Odetta, Robert Plant, Los Lobos, John Hiatt, and the late Clarence "Gatemouth" Brown. No one could doubt that he belonged there. He only performed one or two songs that night, but he played and sang with fervor and grace.

There are lots of great musicians in Cleveland, but apart from the members of the Cleveland Orchestra, there aren't too many of them who are regarded as being among the very best in their field. We lost one of them two weeks ago with the passing of Gerald Levert. And now Robert Jr. is gone.

UPDATE: I had given Gerald Levert's name as Eddie Levert; that error has been corrected. Eddie Levert is Gerald's father, and thankfully is still with us. A tip of the hat to KBueno for spotting the error!

A shameless plug

2006-11-15T09:50:00.000-05:00

As some of you may know, in addition to posting here at the mighty Waffle Ass, I am also a co-blogger at jaded. My co-conspirator there, bram_jufuv (oh, let's be informal and just call her bram), has written a very personal post about her Army experience and her subsequent struggle to obtain service-related disability benefits from the VA.

It makes for some harrowing reading, but life isn't always pretty. And maybe I'm biased, because I love bram and she's one of the best friends I've ever had, but I think she's awfully brave to write so frankly about what happened to her.

Her post is part of a series, with the remaining parts to follow soon. Here is the introduction to the series, and here is Part One. Please consider taking the time to check it out, and to leave a comment if you're so inclined.

Craig Ferguson's tribute to Rummy

2006-11-14T13:31:00.000-05:00

Pretty funny stuff.

Veterans Day

2006-11-10T17:25:00.000-05:00

I never served in the armed forces, which is a good thing, because there's every reason to believe that we'd all be speaking Vietnamese right now if people like me had joined the Army when I became old enough to enlist. Audie Murphy I ain't. I ain't even Eddie Murphy. Bridey Murphy is more like it.

But my friend bram_jufuv, my co-blogger at jaded, served in the Army. She has a lot more credibility and experience than I do when it comes to military matters, especially issues dealing with veterans disability benefits and compensation.

Today bram introduced what will be a multi-part series about her military service and her life as a veteran. It's powerful stuff, and I urge you to read it.

This is kind of a jokey, smartass Intarw3bz site most of the time, but here I speak from the heart: on this day and every day, the members of this blog sincerely thank our nation's veterans for their service and sacrifice. Let's bring our men and women back from Iraq and Afghanistan as soon as we can.

When the President talks to God

2006-11-10T16:25:00.000-05:00

Bush League style.

Time's up

2006-11-09T12:54:00.000-05:00

Veteran "60 Minutes" correspondent Ed Bradley died Thursday morning of leukemia at New York's Mount Sinai Hospital. He was 65.

The 2005-2006 season of "60 Minutes" marked Bradley's 26th year with the groundbreaking, critically hailed CBS News magazine.

More here.

More good news

2006-11-08T13:41:00.000-05:00

This day just keeps getting better and better:

Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld stepped down Wednesday, one day after congressional elections in which opposition to the war in Iraq contributed to heavy Republican Party losses.

President George W. Bush said he would nominate Robert Gates, a former CIA director, to replace Rumsfeld at the Pentagon.

And it's my birthday too. I got what I wanted.

Meth and man ass

2006-11-06T19:34:00.000-05:00

"Brother, can you spare a gram?"

In today's Huffington Post, actor/musician/director Paul Hipp revealed his latest musical composition, a catchy little tribute to the Rev. Ted Haggard entitled "Meth and Man Ass." Some of the lyrics:

If a man lays with a man as with a woman
The Bible says so shall he be killed
If a man snorts a gram with a male prostitute
Someone's collection basket's getting filled

Give me meth and man ass on a Sunday morning
Meth and man ass sure as I am born again
Meth and man ass I don't need nothing more
Just meth and man ass and we'll praise the Lord

Listen to the entire song here. You will be mighty glad you did.

This week's George W. Bush joke

2006-11-06T00:12:00.000-05:00

His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished, since he had supposedly given up drinking years ago.

When they asked him why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment.

"Now that ain't true," Bush said. "I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, Bush replied that he had finished it after only six months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great.

"Bullshit it ain't," Bush sneered. "Look on the side of the box. It says right here: three to five years!

This week's entry poached, with modifications, from a joke at http://www.gwjokes.com.

Crikey

2006-10-30T14:42:00.000-05:00

According to this website, Bill Maher recently attended a Halloween party dressed as Steve "The Former Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, complete with sting ray barb.

Some people don't approve. Me, I figure that if you can't act like an insensitive asshole at a Halloween party, why bother going to one?

Bush joke of the week

2006-10-30T08:00:00.000-05:00

Waffle Ass is proud to introduce a new feature, the Bush joke of the week. Each Monday morning we will present you with a new joke making fun of the asshole who happens to be president, thanks to millions of ignorant, uninformed, and malicious voters everywhere.

Today's submission comes from Waffle Ass co-blogger KBueno.

Laura Bush bought Dubya a parrot for his birthday. She told Dick Cheney, "That bird is so smart! George has already taught him to mispronounce more than 200 words!"

"That sounds impressive," Cheney said. "But you do realize that he just 'says' the words. He doesn't understand what they mean."

"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."

Submit your Bush joke via email. If your joke is selected, it will be published here on Waffle Ass, and you will receive a coupon entitling you to 50% off the price of a Grand Slam breakfast at Denny's. Or something.

Presidential endorsement

2006-10-27T13:52:00.000-04:00

Our fearless leader has taken some time from his busy schedule of readin' Shakespeares, talking about docs, specifically OB/GYNS, who can't practice their love with women, and blowing up frogs to suggest how we Americans should vote in the upcoming elections.

Here's a hint: the baby Jesus thinks we're on the right course. Don't piss him off.

Please shoot me

2006-10-27T13:40:00.000-04:00

A very good definition of hell: taking a rare day off from work, going to your favorite coffee shop, and having to sit eight feet from a table of philosophy students having a study session and listening to the self-appointed leader of the session babble on and on and fucking ON about synthesis and form in the most pretentious voice and style imaginable.

If I never hear the word "synthesis" again, that would be just fine with me.

The bad Sheryl Crow music playing as I write this is just the icing on the cake.

Despicable

2006-10-24T19:23:00.000-04:00

Al Franken told us years ago that Rush Limbaugh was a big fat idiot. I'm sure Shakespeare's Sister would agree with Al, but she goes him one better: Rush Limbaugh is a stinking heap of despicable shit.

What would you call someone who made fun of Michael J. Fox and accused him of using of exaggerating his Parkinson's-induced hand, head, and torso motions?

When Limbaugh dies, it'll be drinks on the house for the Cartouche family and friends. And I hope I get to buy those rounds real soon.

Doonesbury's war

2006-10-23T15:45:00.000-04:00

This Washington Post article by Gene Weingarten is pretty good reading. An excerpt:

On the comics pages [of April 25, 2006], Dagwood fixed himself an absolutely ENORMOUS sandwich; Garfield kicked Odie off the table again; and in Beetle Bailey, the only military-themed comic strip, Lt. Fuzz accidentally dropped a glass of water and cussed in funny cartoon hieroglyphics.

In Doonesbury, this was the story: B.D., the football coach and Vietnam vet who went to Iraq with the National Guard and lost a leg in a rocket-grenade attack near Fallujah, has been shamed into entering therapy for post-traumatic stress disorder because he overheard his little girl, Sam, tell a friend that she'd become afraid of her daddy. On this day, B.D. will begin to relive the battlefield event he has repressed, the one that made him a moody, alcoholic paranoiac and that torments him with guilt and shame that he does not understand. Through the rest of the week, B.D. will retell what happened when his armored vehicle came under attack from insurgents and -- desperate to escape and save himself and his men -- he gave the order to flee through a crowded marketplace, mowing down civilians.

A test

2006-10-23T00:56:00.000-04:00

Let's say we line up, oh, hell, a couple hundred thousand American soldiers, fine men and women in combat uniform, officers, non-coms, grunts, and we put them on TV. Then George W. Bush walks in with a loaded Glock. Now let's say that the President puts the gun to the temple of the first soldier and says, "If I shoot this Army private dead, there's a chance America will be victorious and democracy will bring peace to Iraq. Do you want me to do it?" There's no guarantees, though--just the chance. What would you say?

Who else but The Rude Pundit could explain the Iraq war in so stark a fashion? Too bad no one who supports the war has the guts to take this test.

Cross-posted at jaded.

DubyaSpeak

2006-10-22T19:55:00.000-04:00

To see and hear for yourself why our president was not a Rhodes Scholar, click here.

This is a great site for all those right-wingers to see exactly why we need to get this dumbass back to his ranch where he can clear brush and bullshit with the relatives of his friend Vincente Fox, the people who most likely work for him shoveling horse leftovers.

Elvis Costello on "Night of Too Many Stars"

2006-10-18T11:38:00.000-04:00

Not only is the guy one of the best songwriters and performers ever, he's also got a great sense of humor.

More about "Night of Too Many Stars." If you feel like making a donation, click here.

It is to laugh

2006-10-17T16:14:00.000-04:00

What, is it National Character Counts Week again already?

Quoth The Chimp:

As the primary teachers and examples of character, parents help create a more compassionate and decent society. And as individuals, we all have an obligation to help our children become responsible citizens and realize their full potential. By demonstrating values such as integrity, courage, honesty, and patriotism, all Americans can help our children develop strength and character.

Countless individuals throughout our country demonstrate character by volunteering their time and energy to help neighbors in need. The men and women of our Armed Forces set an example of character by bravely putting the security of our Nation before their own lives. We also see character in the family members, teachers, coaches, and other dedicated individuals whose hearts are invested in the future of our children.

So now we're getting lessons on the importance of good character from George W. Bush. What's next, sobriety lessons from these guys?

Fun house

2006-10-16T20:31:00.000-04:00

You know those riders that Big Rock Stars have in their contracts, the ones that say after they play the show, you have to provide them with a meal backstage with four bottles of Glenfiddich, sixteen grilled swordfish dinners with rice pilaf and glazed carrots, and absolutely no brown M&M's?

Well, Iggy Pop and the Stooges have a rider too, but theirs is actually pretty comical.

From The Smoking Gun.

Solar prestige a gammon

2006-10-16T18:56:00.000-04:00

This is a photo of the Sun.

It was taken at night.

How the hell did they do that? Tom McGee has the answer.

This ain't no foolin' around

2006-10-16T17:15:00.000-04:00

If you're the kind of person who cares about such things, by now you have heard that CBGB's closed its doors yesterday, having lost its lease. Patti Smith and her band played the last set.

I never set foot in the place, but I'm still sad to see it close. Although I bought Patti Smith's Horses on vinyl in 1975, the year it was released, I'd be lying if I told you I played it a lot that year. No, in 1975, I was far more likely to listen to either of the two Elton John LPs that came out that year, or Born to Run, or Queen's A Night at the Opera. And when the Ramones released their debut LP the following year, I listened to it once and proclaimed it to be shit.

It wasn't until the waning days of 1977 that I finally "got" punk music. On the same day that fall, I purchased Elvis Costello's My Aim Is True and Never Mind The Bollocks, Here's The Sex Pistols. True, Elvis wasn't punk, but he sure didn't sound like Elton John or Queen or the Michael Stanley Band. And there's no doubt that the Pistols were straight-up punk, with Johnny Rotten's snarling, strangled vocals and Steve Jones's angry guitar. The two and a half minutes of "Holidays In The Sun" made more sense to me than anything I'd heard all year, hell, all my life, for that matter.

And hearing and liking that music opened my ears to other punk and (the term sucks, but what can you do?) new wave sounds: acts like Devo, Talking Heads, Blondie, Rockpile, the Buzzcocks, Pretenders, The Jam, Squeeze, Violent Femmes, and more. Shitloads more. Not punks exactly, but something different, something fresh. Something good.

And somehow opening my ears to those sounds made me more receptive to other things, such as the hardcore country my parents exposed me to as a child: Buck Owens, Johnny Cash, and Hank Snow. The close harmonies of the Everly Brothers. The Sun Studios crew, including Elvis Presley, Roy Orbison, Jerry Lee Lewis, and Charlie Rich. The blues of Robert Johnson, Son House, and Muddy Waters. The then-current "urban music" of Luther Vandross, Morris Day and the Time, Prince, and Funkadelic. Eventually I learned to find the merit in just about any kind of good music.

In time I even came around to liking The Ramones. Me and everybody else in the country. And it wasn't until about 2004 that I finally heard and bought Television's Marquee Moon, perhaps the best record ever made by one of the original CBGB's crew. Hey, I wasn't ready for it in 1977. But now I listen to it at least once a month.

No, I never knew the club. But I knew what it stood for, and I'm sorry to see a part of American history slip away. About a year ago, I bought a shirt like the one pictured above, and I'm wearing it today. If that makes me a poser, then fine, I'm a poser. I've been called worse. And there's a very good chance that my record collection is better than yours.

Rock is dead. Long live rock.

Incidentally, Tom Watson, Brendan Tween, James Wolcott, Richard Hell, and Roy Edroso actually knew the place, as musicians, fans, and journalists. If I were you, I'd go read what they have to say about it.

Joe Mathlete, comedic genius

2006-10-13T09:25:00.000-04:00

Remember Joe Mathlete?

Oh, sure you do. He's the guy who reads Marmaduke every day and then takes the time to explain the subtle humor of the cartoon to befuddled readers everywhere. I wrote about Joe a few months ago.

Well, as if this wasn't enough of a service to the comics-reading public, Joe recently began a new feature: Joe Mathlete Draws A Nipple on Ziggy's Nose. Thus in one bold stroke, Joe Mathlete has done what no one else had ever thought to do: combine the acerbic wit of Ziggy with the universal erotic appeal of, well, titties.

A grateful nation salutes you, Joe Mathlete. Godspeed.

They also serve who only sit and type

2006-10-12T21:29:00.000-04:00

This new documentary is excellent. Such a moving testimony to our Cheetos-eating friends on the right!

A Keane little website

2006-10-05T18:59:00.000-04:00

Finally, your chance to enjoy the philosophical insights of Bil Keane's Family Circus along with the chuckle-inducing mirth of Nietzsche.

Many more at The Nietzsche Family Circus page.

Hat tip to Hilzoy of Obsidian Wings.

Making Iraq safe for democracy

2006-09-29T10:33:00.000-04:00

Oh, so this is why we are fighting in Iraq:

BAGHDAD — Ahmed al-Karbouli, a reporter for Baghdadiya TV in the violent city of Ramadi, did his best to ignore the death threats, right up until six armed men drilled him with bullets after midday prayers.

He was the fourth journalist killed in Iraq in September alone, out of a total of more than 130 since the 2003 invasion, the vast majority of them Iraqis. But these days, men with guns are not Iraqi reporters’ only threat. Men with gavels are, too.

Under a broad new set of laws criminalizing speech that ridicules the government or its officials, some resurrected verbatim from Saddam Hussein’s penal code, roughly a dozen Iraqi journalists have been charged with offending public officials in the past year.

Currently, three journalists for a small newspaper in southeastern Iraq are being tried here for articles last year that accused a provincial governor, local judges and police officials of corruption. The journalists are accused of violating Paragraph 226 of the penal code, which makes anyone who “publicly insults” the government or public officials subject to up to seven years in prison.

As The Clash put it: "You have the right to free speech. As long as you're not dumb enough to actually try it."

The Jeter joke

2006-09-21T15:08:00.001-04:00

I wrote this joke a few years ago. I thought then that it was the best joke I ever wrote, and I still think so today.

This guy says to his friend, "Hey, how did your date go last night with that woman you met, the one who likes baseball?"

The second guy says "Oh, it went real well. We had a great time! I like her a lot. The only thing that bothered me a little is that all night long she kept talking about her favorite player. You know, that guy who plays shortstop for the Yankees."

The first guy says "Jeter?"

And the second guy says "No, not yet. But I'm hoping to tonight."

I don't care who you are. That's funny, right there.

What passes for health care in rural Ohio

2006-09-21T13:23:00.000-04:00

If you are an umarried woman living in rural Ohio, and you want to obtain a prescription for emergency contraception, well, good luck with that. From The Den of the Biting Beaver comes this sordid tale of one woman's attempt to get something that she made the mistake of thinking that she, as an American citizen, was entitled to have without needing to justify her sexual habits and marital situation to strangers.

The motto of the Biting Beaver is "gnawing away at sexism and misogyny, one patriarchal asshole at a time!" Sadly, the Beaver has got her work cut out for her in this red state.

(Cross-posted at jaded.)

On the road again

2006-09-18T18:01:00.000-04:00

On the road again
Just can't wait to get on the road again
The life I love is makin' music with my friends
And I can't wait to get on the road again

Yeah, no doubt.

The delivery man

2006-09-15T13:30:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I can't sing like Elvis Costello, can't play guitar like Elvis Costello, and I sure as hell can't write songs like Elvis Costello. But now I know we have one thing in common.We both love to put on our fanciest shirts and eat ice cream bars with frizzy-haired dudes.

Oh come on, you do too, just admit it.

Read about the King of America and Ice Cream Man Matt Allen in the latest Austin Chronicle.

A tip of the cap

2006-09-12T12:34:00.001-04:00

Earlier today we received a comment from a reader with the delightful name of "writewingnut." She said, in part:

You should add "hat" to the end of your blog name.

In our efforts to give our readers what they want, I have decided to take wwn's advice. For at least the rest of this day, consider the word "hat" to be part of the name of this blog.

Customer service is Job #1 here at Waffle Ass . . . er, I mean here at Waffle Ass HAT.

Update. Well, fun though it was to be wearing a hat for part of the day on Tuesday, it is time to take it off and hang it back on the hook. We now resume our regularly scheduled programming, already in progress.

"It is beyond shameful"

2006-09-12T12:09:00.000-04:00

At the urging of KBueno, Waffle Ass invites you to watch Keith Olbermann's "Countdown" commentary from the show of September 11, 2006.

Here's a taste:

Terrorists did not come and steal our newly-regained sense of being American first, and political, fiftieth. Nor did the Democrats. Nor did the media. Nor did the people.

The President — and those around him — did that.

They promised bi-partisanship, and then showed that to them, "bi-partisanship" meant that their party would rule and the rest would have to follow, or be branded, with ever-escalating hysteria, as morally or intellectually confused; as appeasers; as those who, in the Vice President’s words yesterday, "validate the strategy of the terrorists."

They promised protection, and then showed that to them, "protection" meant going to war against a despot whose hand they had once shaken . . . a despot who, we now learn from our own Senate Intelligence Committee, hated Al-Qaeda as much as we did.

The polite phrase for how so many of us were duped into supporting a war, on the false premise that it had "something to do" with 9/11, is "lying by implication."

The impolite phrase is "impeachable offense."

Crooks and Liars has more, including the complete transcript. Watch it. Read it.

And then think about what you and I are going to do about our Asshole-in-Chief and the people who support him. This business of mocking him on the blogs doesn't seem to be doing much good so far.

Five years later

2006-09-11T14:36:00.000-04:00

Five years have passed since the 9/11 attacks, and I still feel the same disgust, disappointment, and total loathing toward GWB and his administration. Actually even more so, if such a thing is is possible. Five years and we still have not brought to justice the creep who masterminded this tragedy, a certain Osama Bin Laden.

And with all the resources our country has, we could not find OBL, we then chose the next best creep and attempted to occupy Iraq as a "better than nothing" attempt to bring at least someone to justice. Remember "Mission Accomplished?" How many innocent Iraqis and our servicemen have been murdered since Our Idiot uttered those words, euphoric over his carrier landing and photo opportunity.

And yet the war still carries on with no end in sight. OBL is still free making videos and hiding in plain sight. Lest you all forget, when Our Idiot was told of the attacks, he was in an elementary reading class and did not want to disrupt the class by excusing himself and walking out to do his job. He was absolutely stunned and had no idea what to do. He had to be reminded a second time: we're in a lot of trouble, Mr. President. It might be time to put down The Pet Goat and do something.

WTF! When the enormity of the situation finally pierced his clouded mind, he skipped and jumped all over the country on Air Force One instead of, oh let's say, staying put and getting a command post started, or growing a pair of balls and going back to D.C. and doing his job. Nope, not Bush . . . he showed up after the dust settled and pretended to be in charge. See what a couple of martinis and a few Vicodin can do?

Instead of being the Commander-in-Chief he ran, just like he ran away from fulfilling his National Guard duty during the Vietnam era. I think he calls it "cut and run." Shame on you, you f'n coward.

Now, I'm not a pro-war kind of guy, but I would gladly cheer on the troops if we were after OBL and his band of traveling maniacs. So America's idiot gave his obligatory speech last ngiht on how we are safer than we were but the threat is still there . . . stay the course . . . no cut and run . . . heroes . . . faith in the generals on the ground in Iraq . . . blah, blah, blah. As this idiot continues to embarrass us before the entire world, our brave servicemen and women are in the middle of an Iraqi civil war, and the real terrorist is still enjoying the fruits of his work. How sad, how terribly sad. When will the madness end?

Alan Cohen, 1938 - 2006

2006-09-05T16:52:00.000-04:00

Josh Marshall of Talking Points Memo, one of the first bloggers and one of the very best, recently lost his father to a heart attack.

Today Josh wrote a wonderfully moving blog post about his father. Please read it. And please keep Josh and his family in your thoughts.

A limerick

2006-09-05T13:25:00.000-04:00

I used to smoke freebase cocaine.
I have driven blind drunk through hard rain.
But my biggest regret,
My most shameful act yet:
I paid cash to see Snakes On A Plane.

Despite what TBogg and August J. Pollak had to say about it, SoaP sucked more ass than I would have thought possible. My life is poorer for having seen it. And I'm out $6.25.

A tale of fraud and malfeasance in pedagogy

2006-09-02T11:32:00.000-04:00

From On The Fritz comes a tale of a woman who conned schoolchildren into thinking that she was the famous cartoonist, "Hannah Barbera."

One day, the school hired a woman to perform for the students during an assemby. They introduced her as Miss Hannah Barbera and said that she was the one who drew the Hanna Barbera cartoons.

You really should read the whole thing. I suspect the school administrators were in on this fraud; surely they couldn't have been so gullible as to believe that a woman named "Hannah Barbera" was responsible for all those shows. They probably figured eh, they're just a bunch of kids, what do they know, this will keep 'em quiet for an hour or so.

Modern times

2006-08-28T21:27:00.000-04:00

Release date: Tuesday, August 29.

Something to be proud of

2006-08-18T20:41:00.000-04:00

This was found carved into a tree in northern Minnesota:More here.

His flack's statement can be read here.

The state of Ohio does something right (no, really)

2006-08-16T14:02:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I got an email reminding me that my auto license plates would soon expire. I was given the opportunity to renew my plate sticker online via oplates.com. I did, and it couldn't have been an easier process. The user interface is simple and easy to use. The entire process took only about two minutes.

Considering that nearly every elected official in the state is either a criminal or a moron or both, I found it hard to believe that somehow they did something right. But they did, and for that they deserve our thanks.

Finally: Marmaduke explained

2006-08-16T08:38:00.000-04:00

Are you a fan of Brad Anderson's comic Marmaduke? Who isn't, right? But let's be honest here--sometimes it's hard to fully understand the cartoon on a particular day, what with the complexity of thought involved.

Fortunately one Joe Mathlete has stepped up to the plate. Each day Joe takes it upon himself to give a very close reading of that day's Marmaduke, then goes on to explain the cartoon to those of us without advanced degrees in the social sciences.

The strip shown above, for example, is explained here. I like to think of myself as an intelligent man, but frankly Joe Mathlete figured out Marmaduke's intent here in a way I never could have done on my own. Kudos, Joe!

The cartoonist stands before the big-ass Presidential desk

2006-08-15T08:03:00.000-04:00

In the new installment of Bush League, of course.

Casual Friday

2006-08-14T11:43:00.000-04:00

"Well, listen here, Milton, Bill Lumbergh told me
that this was Hawaiian Shirt Day,
and that I could go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans."

jaded

2006-08-14T11:23:00.000-04:00

In the few short months of its operation, Waffle Ass, I think I can modestly say, has revolutionized blogging, and has changed our country and its culture in ways not yet fully understood. True, our society still faces a few minor problems, such as Republicans running the government and fucking up everything they touch, but all told the Waffle Ass experiment has been a success.

And in this great land of ours, successes breed spin-offs. Happy Days bred Mork and Mindy (get well soon, Robin). All In The Family bred The Jeffersons. M*A*S*H bred AfterM*A*S*H (okay, bad example). And thus it is that Waffle Ass has bred its very own spinoff. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I am proud to present jaded.

jaded will be written by yours truly and by an individual who prefers to be identified as bram_jafuv. It will deal in part with issues not typically addressed by the Waffle Ass crew. The exact format of the new blog has not yet been fully determined, but I can assure you that it will provide you with even more of the smarmy cynicism and knee-jerk analysis that Waffle Ass readers have come to know and cherish.

Will I be abandoning Waffle Ass? Oh, hell no. I might cross-post things on both blogs from time to time, but I have every intention of remaining at the helm of Waffle Ass. After all, we still have some work to do around here.

Update: The new blog is just part of the ambitious expansion program planned for the Waffle Ass publishing empire. In months to come, look for these new blogs:

Waffle Ass for Kids (like Waffle Ass, but with even more references to pee, poop, and wieners)
Culo de la Galleta (the Spanish language version of Waffle Ass)
Waffle Ass After Dark (with racy photos too hot for Waffle Ass)
:...:. :.:. (the Braille edition of Waffle Ass)

and many more!

On notice

2006-08-11T18:05:00.000-04:00

Be Colbert for a day and make your own.

Props to tart juice.

Hey, check out the rack on that planet

2006-08-11T13:59:00.000-04:00

This is one of the reasons why I'm half in love with Shakespeare's Sister. Just don't tell Mr. Shakes!

Bowling for mutts

2006-08-09T13:26:00.000-04:00

My friend jen c, whom some call glittergirl, called this to my attention:

MUTT BOWL 2006
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
7 - 11 PM

Meszar's Lanes, 4231 Fulton Road, Old Brooklyn 216.741.7933

Admission includes:
- Unlimited bowling (7 PM - 11 PM)
- Shoe rental
- Pizza, salad, pastries
- Reduced bar prices

A limited quantity of pre-sale tickets ($20) are available now through August 30 or until they sell out! The ticket price will increase to $25 in September.

Get your tickets now at The Mutt Hutt (located at 2603 Scranton in Tremont) or call 216.621.MUTT. Feel free to email becca@friendsofclevelandkennel.com for additional information.

The proceeds of this event will benefit the dogs in care at the City of Cleveland Kennel, as well as funding for waste stations throughout Tremont and improvements for the dogs at the Clark Field Dog Park in Tremont via TREATS (Tremont Residents Empowering Animals to Socialize).
---------------------------------------------------------
Learn more about the Friends of Cleveland Kennel.

I urge the entire Waffle Ass community and their friends to attend this worthy event. It promises to be a fun night out!

Paint like a master

2006-08-07T14:36:00.000-04:00

Create your own.

Bad dog

2006-08-06T10:30:00.000-04:00

Heckuva job, Barney.

20.25

2006-08-03T10:52:00.000-04:00

"Strike zone? Yeah, I've heard of it. Can't actually find it, though."

Well, it's been about two weeks since the Indians traded Bob Wickman to the Atlanta Braves, which prompted me to write this post. In my typical vacillating fashion, I pointed out the good points and bad points about Wickman's leaving the Tribe. I also noted that Fausto Carmona would become the Indians' new closer. Could he perform effectively in that role? "I think he can," I said back then.

Let's see what's happened since then, shall we? In his first two games following the trade, Carmona pitched effectively in non-save situations, giving up no runs in one inning pitched in each game. Sweet.

Since then? Not so much.

Last Sunday, at home against the Mariners, Carmona entered a tie game with two out in the eighth and struck out Richie Sexson to end the inning. But in the ninth, with the score still tied, Carmona gave up three hits, walked two, and hit a batter en route to giving up four earned runs, and the Indians lost, 7-3.

Well, hey, shit happens, right? In the words of Dan Jenkins's Shake Tiller, "Ain't no one ever said it wasn't gonna be semi-tough."

The next day the Indians went to Boston. Paul Byrd started and got knocked around, but David "Gout Boy" Wells was even worse, and the Indians took a 8-6 lead into the bottom of the ninth. Enter Carmona, our new closer, in his first save situation since the Wickman trade. He gave up a single and a walk before getting the third batter to pop up.

Next up? David "Big Papi" Ortiz, who did what he always seems to do in Fenway when the game is on the line--in this case, he worked the count to 2-0, then Papi smacked Carmona's third pitch over the center field fence for a three-run homer. Final score Boston 9, Indians 8.

The next day C. C. Sabathia got the win for the Indians. Not coincidentally, Carmona did not play in the game.

Which takes us to yesterday evening. Tribe rookie starter Jeremy Sowers, who'd pitched back-to-back complete game shutouts in his last two starts, left the game with a lead after five innings. Brian Sikorski gave up consecutive solo homers in the sixth to make that lead vanish, but Travis Hafner hit a two-run homer in the eighth, so the Indians took a 5-4 lead into the bottom of the ninth.

Carmona time.

What happened next was horrible, and yet somehow predictable. Carmona struck out Wily Mo Pena on three pitches, then struck out Coco Crisp on four. Then Carmona got within one strike of ending the game before hitting Doug Mirabelli on the elbow. His pinch-runner had barely gotten to first base before Carmona let fly with another errant throw, hitting Alex Gonzalez with the next pitch.

The next batter, Kevin Youkilis, worked the count to 3-2 (again, had Carmona thrown one more strike, the game would have been over), then took ball four. Now the bases are loaded with two outs.

At this point, theoretically, Carmona could still have gotten the third out, and saved the game. But any Indians fan over the age of eight knew damn well that that was not going to happen. The Indians had already lost this game. All that remained to be seen was how they would lose it. Another hit batter or two? A single to right field? A walk and a passed ball? A routine double play ball misplayed for an error, complete with an errant throw into the grandstand?

The possibilities were endless. Here's what did happen, though: Mark Loretta took Carmona's first pitch for a ball. On the second pitch, he doubled off the Green Monster, missing the grand slam by about two feet. But two runs were all that the Red Sox needed, and two runs is what they got. Red Sox 6, Indians 5.

In five games with the Braves, Wickman has allowed one earned run in five innings pitched, for an ERA during that span of 1.80. He gave up three hits in that time, walked none, hit no batters with a pitch. He has recorded four saves in four save opportunities as a Brave.

In five games since the Wickman trade, Carmona has allowed nine earned runs in four innings pitched. In those games, he has allowed seven hits, four walks, and hit three batters with a pitch. He has been tagged with three losses and two blown saves. His ERA in those five games?

Well, that's the title of this post.

This season is already fucked for the Indians. They'll be playing baseball in October this season, but that's only because there's a game against Tampa Bay at Jacobs Field on Sunday, October 1. They'll be lucky if they'll be able to even watch the playoffs on TV.

So they might as well keep trotting Carmona out there to see if he gets the hang of this closer business. He can pitch effectively--I've seen him do it--but it would be nice if he could do it again, at least once in a while.

Update, 08.06.2006: As Tom pointed out, Carmona, incredibly, blew another save again last night. Right now the guy couldn't save a receipt for a pack of gum. Carmona's post-Wickman-trade ERA now stands at 21.21.

Tom suggests that the Indians, lacking as they do a closer, try having various pitchers be the ones to work the 9th inning, and not designating any of them as "the closer." That's not a bad idea, and this would be a great opportunity to try that out. But it won't happen, not with Dale Wedge as manager. He's too much from the old school. No, he'll keep trying various combos of relief pitchers until one of them somehow manages to convert two consecutive save opportunities, and voila! that man will be the closer. Count on it.

The fifty-cent lesson

2006-07-21T17:59:00.000-04:00

My friend Tom learned a valuable life lesson the other day, and it only set him back half a buck. Read about it here, then check out the rest of his site.

Tom's one hell of a guy, and I don't mean that in the "heckuva job, Brownie" sense. He knows more about coding and web design than I could ever hope to, and he turned me on to Gustav Mahler and Miles Davis (still not feeling the Alban Berg, though. Maybe someday). And the cat can whip up a fine meal, too. I'm proud to call him my friend.

I got your snowflake right here, pal

2006-07-21T14:10:00.000-04:00

This is great. Bush got flipped off by a little girl.
Crooks and Liars has the video clip from the Colbert Report.

Wickman --> Braves

2006-07-21T13:44:00.000-04:00

We've all heard the old cliche "Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it."

Well, the Indians traded their closer Bob Wickman to the Atlanta Braves yesterday. Seeing as how I'm the guy who wrote this, you might think I'd be happy to see Wickman go. But instead I seem to be suffering from a variant of seller's remorse or something.

Sure, I was, and am, no fan of Bob Wickman. But I have to admit, grudgingly, that overall he's been a pretty good closer for the Tribe. And it seems to me that the Indians could have gotten more for him than a bag of baseballs--oh, excuse me, I mean an A-ball catcher named Max Ramirez.

I'm not the first person to point this out, but the Braves are pretty well set at the catcher position, thanks to this guy. If McCann doesn't get injured, he could be the starting catcher for the Braves for the next ten years or so. Ramirez wasn't going anywhere. I don't understand why the Indians didn't wait until they got closer to the trading deadline to see if they could have gotten more value for Wickman.

But who knows, maybe this will wind up being a good trade for the Indians. Ramirez, a former third baseman, might be able to help the club at that position a year or two down the road. Bob Boone just ain't cutting it there.

The closing role will now go to Fausto Carmona. On paper, he seems like a good choice, with an ERA of 1.03 in 20 relief appearances with the Tribe this season. But they don't play the games on paper. We'll find out soon enough if he can do the job. I think he can.

Good luck to him, and for that matter, good luck to Wicky too. Sorry I called you an asshole before, even if you DID give up five earned runs in the 9th inning with a four-run lead.
You asshole.

The baby, the immigrant, and the guy on mushrooms

2006-07-21T11:43:00.000-04:00

From Robert Smigel's short-lived "TV Funhouse" show on Comedy Central.

If you don't think this is hilarious, then I don't think we should be friends any more.

Bitter nerd

2006-07-20T00:33:00.000-04:00

This Groucho Sinatra fellow reminds me of somebody, but I can't quite figure out who it is. Anyway, his aim seems true.

Wild Horses

2006-07-19T12:59:00.000-04:00

This video is by The Sundays. They recorded this song for their 1992 album "Blind." I remember hearing it at the time and thinking they didn't do the song justice. Now I think I don't know what the hell I was talking about.

If I had to choose, I'd still take the original Stones version over this one, but this version is pretty fine. Harriet Wheeler sure can sing.

Ken Lay's final play

2006-07-19T08:49:00.000-04:00

Holy Prepuce! indulges in a little role-playing exercise. Did it actually go down that way? We'll never know. But you can't put it past the bastard.

Our retarded president

2006-07-18T21:04:00.000-04:00

"I understand I may have the honor of slicing the pig."

"See, the irony is that what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it's over." This, spoken with a mouthful of bread, to Tony Blair.

Groping the chancellor of Germany.

Yeah, we can really be proud that George W. Bush has restored honor and dignity to the White House.

I hated--hated--Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan, but those men were like gods of diplomacy and intellect compared to the asswipe who sits in the Oval Office today.

Oh, and please read what Shakespeare's Sister has to say about the clown. Shakes and her crew are worth a daily read, but this post in particular is a gem.

Sketch artist

2006-07-12T11:14:00.000-04:00

The image above was created on an Etch-A-Sketch toy by George Vlosich III. Clearly, the man has got some serious skills.

Check out some more of his creations here. You can buy some of his work, but it ain't cheap; the work shown above will set you back twelve grand. But hey, it comes already framed.

Here's one that he didn't do. I didn't either, but it's representative of my skill level:

GOP brain trust

2006-07-08T20:10:00.000-04:00

Yes, it's hard to believe, but these three men--Tom DeLay, Newt Gingrich, and George W. Bush--are the leading lights of the Republican party. They've been able to fool a lot of people, but our man Wyatt Reed has never been one of them. Check out how deftly he takes their measure in the latest edition of Bush League.

Berea Summerfest

2006-07-06T17:26:00.000-04:00

Boy, this was a great fireworks show . . . not!

If you checked this out, you may have been disappointed.

Bender v. Gore

2006-07-05T13:34:00.000-04:00

Indian fever? Yeah, right

2006-06-30T22:34:00.000-04:00

Tonight the Cleveland Indians took a four-run lead into the bottom of the ninth inning in their game against the Cincinnati Reds. Their closer Bob Wickman entered the game in a non-save situation.

In the Indians' last game, on Wednesday night, Wickman got charged with a blown save, but that really wasn't his fault, because the two runs scored largely due to errors by Kelly Shoppach and Jhonny "I Don't Know How To Spell My Own Fucking Name" Peralta.

So what does Wickman do tonight? He gets the first hitter to pop up to short.

Then he gives up a single, and then another single. A wild pitch puts runners on second and third.

The next hitter grounds out to first, scoring the runner on third. The Tribe is still up by three with two out.

Then Wickman gives up a walk. And then another walk.

Now the bases are loaded with Adam Dunn coming to bat. Adam Dunn, who entered the game with a batting average of .223.

Adam Dunn hits a grand slam, of course. The Indians give up five runs in the bottom of the ninth and lose 9-8.

Wickman's line on the evening: 2/3 innings pitched, three hits, five runs, five earned runs, two bases on balls, no strikeouts, one home run.

Nice job, asshole. Way to close a major league baseball game.

I've said it before, but it's never been more true than it is today: the Indians couldn't possibly suck any more ass if they had an electrified ass-sucking machine.

Update: I'd be remiss if I didn't acknowledge Rafael Betancourt's contribution to the evening's fun. After entering the game in the 8th inning with a 7-0 lead, thanks to the fine outing by starter Paul Byrd, Betancourt faced four hitters, gave up four hits and four earned runs. Another brilliant performance by an Indians reliever.

Happy birthday

2006-06-25T18:55:00.000-04:00

George Orwell
Born June 25, 1903

(with a nod to Doghouse Riley of Bats Left Throws Right)

New York, Neeeeww Yorrrrrk!

2006-06-20T10:45:00.000-04:00

WOW, AWESOME, etc., etc.! No place like it on earth. I'll try to be brief and highlight the trip.

The bus trip was really a good time. I met a bunch of wonderful who were as awestruck as I was at the grandeur of this great city. We actually arrived an hour and a half earlier than expected, which gave us more time Thursday night to start our exploration.

After checking into the Hotel Edison, we proceeded to Rockefeller Center, where for $17.50 I enjoyed a grand view of the city. After that we walked to Radio City, where Gretchen Wilson was performing ons tage. The unnerving part of that was seeing the NYPD SWAT members dressed in full battle gear including combat helmets, Kevlar vests, and automatic weapons with that little spotlight on the barrel. I really had no idea why they were there, but it was frightening, to say the least.

We ended our evening having a late dinner at Planet Hollywood on Times Square and went back to our rooms. A little about the rooms: they were really small. There was no electric plug on any wall except in the bathroom, so it was nice that we had brought along an extension cord. I left the windows open that night to get the sounds of the city to lull me to sleep.

Obn Friday we boarded our bus and with the help of Ron, our tour guide, saw the sights of Manhattan. We drove through most of the better-knwon neighborhoods including SoHo (SOuth of HOuston: sounds like HOW-ston), Greenwich Village, Little Italy, Chinatown, the financial district, Fulton Street, and finally to Ground Zero.

We saw GZ from an atrium across the street from the site (the name escapes me). Quite humbling, and I will speak more on this later. The bus then took us uptown on Central Park West where we got of at Central Park right across the street from the Dakota, the last residence of John Lennon and his family. We wandered into the park and feasted our eyes upon Strawberry Fields and the Imagine tribute to Mr. Lennon. I met the caretaker of the memorial who has been cleaning and decorating the site every day for the past four years.

While there, we were lucky to see a gentleman dressed as a wizard, as well as an Elvis impersonator. We took a picture of the two of them and I will try to post them at a later date. We then walked to Fifth Avenue, where we headed south, wandering in and out of stores and buildings including Tiffany's and the Trump Tower, where we had lunch. We then made our way to Lord and Taylor's and Macy's before finally getting back to Times Square, where we had dinner at Bubba Gump's. The food and atmosphere were excellent and I do recommend it.

Saturday we again boarded the bus and got off at Battery Park, where we took the ferry to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. Ellis Island was really an eye-opening experience. There are many exhibits to see and much information to soak up. They have these kiosks set up so you can enter the name of a relative and the database will give you the year they arrived.

We took the ferry back to Manhattan and boarded the bus for the trip back to the hotel to freshen up. Our next adventure took us by cab to Greenwich Village. To our delight there was a street fair in progress where the locals were selling everything from t-shirts to oil paintings--and I bought both! I also purchased a pair of knockoff gator shoes called Gecko's in bright yellow, much to the dismay of Ms. Brady.

As I was wandering through the many shops I was hailed by a gentleman who asked me if I'm a fan of crossword puzzles. He identified himself as Patrick Creadon, an independent film producer, and graciously gave me a postcard promoting his movie "Wordplay," which was playing at a nearby theatre. The movie stars Merl Reagle and Will Shortz of crossword puzzle fame.

The Village is a world of its own and a place I would just love to spend the rest of my earthly days living in. After an early dinner there, we then cabbed back to the hotel for a little rest before packing up to leave. When the sun went down and the lights of Times Square were in full bloom, we ventured out again to have a piece of cheesecake and an egg cream at the famed Roxy's Deli.

On Sunday, our bus picked us up at 8:30 am for our last day in the city. We first went to St. Paul's Chapel located directly across the street for GZ. Inside was a very sobering display of memorabilia of that tragic day. Posters of missing loved ones, pictures, remnants, and police patches from all over the world. As you walk out the rear of the Chapel there is a small cemetery where the graves go back to the 1700's. What makes this place so special is that with all the carnage that happened that day, not a single window or grave was marred. Even the wrought iron fencing that surrounds the Chapel was damaged. A true mystery or miracle, whichever you prefer.

The Chapel is also remembered for the meals and beds provided to anyone who needed them during the months after 9/11. We then boarded the bus again for a trip to Chinatown and Little Italy. I have never seen sooo many shops, restaurants, and markets together in one place as I saw in Chinatown. Just amazing. I purchased a hand-carved jade crucifix on a braided string for one dollar!

Little Italy was, well, Little Italy! Great little espresso cafes, shops, street vendors, and restaurants. We ate lunch al fresco at a place called Caffe Napoli. Tremendous food at a great price. The bus left SoHo at 1:45 pm for the trip home. I'll be returning next June, as we have already booked the trip. I can't thank enough the two ladies who spent so much time putting these trips together. I'm sure I'll remember more of the trip as days go by, and I will enter those memories then.

Peace.

Television preview

2006-06-15T22:50:00.000-04:00

I hate to brag, but today I got some mail which may very well change not only my life, but potentially the lives of thousands--no, millions--of Americans.

As the letter put it (and it was written in ALL CAPS, so you know it's really important):

YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED TO PARTICIPATE IN A SURVEY WHOSE FINDINGS WILL DIRECTLY INFLUENCE WHAT YOU SEE ON TELEVISION IN THE FUTURE.

YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED TO EVALUATE NOT-YET RELEASED TELEVISION MATERIAL THAT IS BEING CONSIDERED FOR NATIONWIDE BROADCAST.

YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED TO HELP REPRESENT THE TELEVISION VIEWING PREFERENCES OF THE ENTIRE COUNTRY.

I feel so special. Were YOU selected for this honor? I didn't think so, dude.

Being selected to help represent the television viewing preferences of the entire country isn't something I take lightly, I assure you. If I choose wisely, I might be responsible for giving Americans another program as good as M*A*S*H, Seinfeld, or The West Wing before Sorkin got arrested at an airport in L. A. for holding crack, weed, and 'shrooms, and wound up quitting the show and turning it over to that guy who produced E. R. If I choose foolishly, well, we might be looking at another Yes, Dear, or The King of Queens. And believe me, nobody wants that. It's an awesome responsibility.

In order to take part in this preview, I have to report to a hotel located a few miles from Cartouche Manor. No refreshments will be served, so I'll have to try to watch TV without stuffing my face with salty snacks, but I've been meaning to try that some time anyway, so that's OK. And I have been advised to "dress casually, just as you would while watching television at home," hence the photo you see above.

But I've saved the best for last. Not only do I get to attend this exclusive preview, but apparently I am considered such a tastemaker that I get to select three other people to attend as well. So if you are interested in joining me (it's next Thursday, June 22, at 7:30 PM), send me an email or otherwise get in touch. The first three people to do so get the tickets, free of charge. But so help me God, you better not be responsible for giving us any more shows like this one, or I will kick your ass like a football on fourth and long. Even you, Mom.

Tell it like it is

2006-06-15T15:55:00.000-04:00

That's what Shakespeare's Sister does, and never more so than today, upon noting that a couple of dipshits took the opportunity to crack wise about Jimmy Carter:

Let me go on the record now with the following: If George W. Bush spends his post-presidency years writing 20 best-selling books, serving as a diplomat, running a national and international policy center, building homes with Habitat for Humanity, and winning the Nobel Peace Prize, I will hungrily feast on Dennis Hastert’s superskanked asshole, delivering the best all-American rim job this country has ever seen.

Seriously, Don Imus had more sense thirty years ago, when he was busy snorting up his paycheck evey week. Pathetic.

Costello/Toussaint

2006-06-14T16:05:00.000-04:00

Three hours. 36 songs. Freakin' amazing.

One of the very best concerts I've ever seen. Here's a review.

I just hope they have enough stamina to put on a similar show at Blossom next month.

Start spreadin' the news

2006-06-14T11:00:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow morning I will be leaving for the Big Apple for a four-day vacation. Our travels will take us to the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, Battery Park, Little Italy, Chinatown, and Central Park, among other places of interest. I really want to see Strawberry Fields, the memorial to John Lennon, in Central Park, and will be pissed if we don't get there. We are going by bus so it makes the journey even more exciting. Add to this my ex-wife, and this should be a great time. My 17-year old daughter is also coming so it will be great. On Sunday we will be visiting Ground Zero. That is the part of the trip I'm least looking forward to. I still have doubts in my mind about the affairs of that whole day, but that is better left to discussion at the B & B.

When I return I will give a briefing (kinda sounds like GWB ha ha ha...yuk) about the trip. Until then . . . peace.

EC and AT in AA

2006-06-13T12:16:00.000-04:00

My good pal RFdude and I are travelling to Ann Arbor to hear Elvis Costello and Allen Toussaint perform tonight. If I decide to pop for the T-Mobile wireless pass, then I'll blog from the hotel; if not, I'll post tomorrow afternoon.

Behave yourselves. If you're good, we might bring you all back a t-shirt. In the meantime, why not go over and check out the latest Bush League cartoon?

Love among the beans

2006-06-10T23:17:00.000-04:00

Some of you may know, and some of you who know may actually care, that the name of this blog came from sitting on lattice-seated chairs at the best coffee shop in the Cleveland area, the legendary Book & Bean. Since its inception, the B & B has been a favorite of the entire Waffle Ass crew, not only for its fine coffee and convivial atmosphere, but also for the friendliness of its owner and staff.

I just learned today that two of my favorite baristas there, Chris and Jen, recently became engaged to one another. That happy news is tempered somewhat, at least for my selfish purposes, by learning that the two will soon move away from the Cleveland area to further their academic careers. What, this place isn't good enough for you?

Seriously, I'll miss you two, but obviously I'm very happy to hear your personal good news, and I speak for many others when say that we wish you the best of everything. Keep in touch.

Bada bust?

2006-06-05T15:17:00.000-04:00

Apparently quite a few people were disappointed by the anticlimactic (read: no one got whacked) ending of last night's episode of The Sopranos. Seeing as how David Chase and company are making us wait until sometime in 2007 for the final eight episodes, I can understand the objections of those who thought last night's ending was a little too tame. But I also have great faith that Chase knows what he is doing, and I expect the last eight episodes to bring things to a satisfying conclusion.

I usually watch the show at the home of theoretical Waffle Ass contributor Heywood J., but as he is currently out of town on official business, I invited myself instead to the home of pixiechick06, who graciously provided yours truly with popcorn, ginger ale, Sno-Caps, and Sugar Babies. I thank you, pixie, and my dentist will too!

The illustration accompanying this post was borrowed from a site featuring etchings and lithographs done by Al Hirschfeld, America's greatest illustrator. Hirschfeld died in 2003, months shy of his 100th birthday, and he was still doing great work well into his late nineties.

Get your Elvis on

2006-06-01T14:39:00.000-04:00

Elvis Costello and the Imposters, along with Allen Toussaint and his guitarist and horn section, are performing at Blossom Music Center on Friday, July 14. Tickets go on sale this Saturday at 10 AM, but your friends at Waffle Ass are going to let you in on a little secret: you can get tickets right now via Internet presale. Three Waffle Ass members will be there in the 8th row. Just look for the middle-aged guys with spare tires.

The River In Reverse, their new CD, will be released on Tuesday, June 6.

Update: Be sure to catch Allen and Elvis on the Late Show with David Letterman, also on Tuesday, June 6.

Kevorkian: "My bad"

2006-05-28T05:30:00.000-04:00

Hey, we all make mistakes, right?

Waffle Ass, graphed

2006-05-28T04:34:00.000-04:00

This is what this blog looks like, according to the algorithm found at Websites As Graphs. You can go there, enter any URL, and a Java applet will create a graph of that site. The applet assigns a color to various elements of the HTML used to create the particular site. Of course, now that this post is part of Waffle Ass, if I were to run the applet again, it would generate a different graph.

I don't pretend to understand the rationale behind this algorithm, but it does make a pretty graphic, and it's fun to watch the applet do its work.

Beat it, or Monday, Monday

2006-05-25T16:35:00.000-04:00

This is from an on-air piece by WKYC reporter (and spelling-challenged blogger) Carl Monday.

The guy in the video, whose name I will mercifully omit here, manages to portray Bereans, library patrons, and Buckeyes fans in a bad light, all in one (ahem) stroke.

Please, folks: if you're going to look at feelthy pictures on the Internets, do it at home, okay? Thank you.

Lloyd Bentsen, 1921 - 2006

2006-05-25T15:46:00.000-04:00

His finest moment:

I especially love the part where he said "You're the one that was making the comparison, Senator." It came off as though he'd called Quayle an asshole, which of course he was.

New outlet store

2006-05-25T13:44:00.000-04:00

I never worked for McDonald's but many friends did. They might be interested in this, again from the good folks at The Onion.

In my youth, I briefly worked for the famous L & K Restaurant chain. I'll never forget breading 2' by 4' trays of perch for the Friday "all you can cram in your piehole" fish fry special. It was an interesting job. For reasons not fully understood, the office building next door frequently sported broken egg yolk and shell fragments on its windows. The manager was from Bangladesh so slogans such as "Save and use. Food cost very high!" were frequently heard in a heavy Indian accent.

The cooks were supposed to save sausage patties which had been sitting under a heat lamp for five hours or more for the next day's breakfast. Yeah, like the waitress is going to take out two plates of eggs, hash browns, and very non-uniform quality suasages to her customers: four freshly-cooked 1.5 inch diameter juicy ones, and another two with the form, fit, and feel of warm shoe leather. Boy, would the manager get pissed when a whole case of Reddi-wip was found to have lost its nitrous oxide propellant due to the habit of a certain giggly hostess.

Then there was the softball team who would eat their Saturday breakfast in the "special" dining area, spend about two and a half hours there, and leave between them about a buck seventy-five cent tip. Waitresses would fight over who got stuck with serving them. Did I mention dumpster fires due to "spontaneous combustion?"

Those were the days. L & K is now defunct. Gee, I wonder why.

Flight 43

2006-05-24T13:05:00.000-04:00

WASHINGTON, DC—The Federal Aviation Administration announced today that United Airlines Flight 43, which crashed outside Parkersburg, WV last Thursday, was in fact brought down by passengers who voluntarily sacrificed their lives in order to prevent the screening of the in-flight movie selection, Big Momma's House 2.

The Onion has more.

The Chicks are back in town

2006-05-23T12:02:00.000-04:00

Well, their new CD was released today, anyway. I pre-ordered mine from these guys, so I hope to find it in my mailbox when I get home this evening.

Anyone get their copy yet? Leave a comment if you did.

Pistons 79, Cavs 61

2006-05-22T08:35:00.000-04:00

From ESPN:

Musician Kid Rock does a little dance during the fourth quarter of the Detroit Pistons' 79-61 win over the Cleveland Cavaliers in Game 7 of the NBA basketball playoffs at the Palace in Auburn Hills, Mich., Sunday, May 21, 2006. The Pistons will take on the Miami Heat starting Tuesday in the Eastern Conference finals. (AP Photo/Duane Burleson)

I'm pretty sure I speak for the entire Greater Cleveland area when I say "Hey, Kid Rock: go fuck yourself, you hepatitis-having low-life son of a bitch. And you know what you can do with that blunt, pal."

As for the game, this, again from ESPN, pretty much says it all:

Detroit held Cleveland to the lowest point total in any Game 7 in NBA history; the third-lowest total in any playoff game since 1955; and 23 points in the second half, which tied the fewest scored in a postseason half since the shot clock was introduced a half-century ago.

But you gotta give the Cavs props for taking it as far as they did. It was a hell of a ride while it lasted. And you know they'll be back next season.

Help get rid of Holy Joe

2006-05-19T22:59:00.000-04:00

Do you like Joe Lieberman? I don't.

When Al Gore chose Lieberman to be his running mate in 2000, I tried to convince myself that it was a good choice, but I never really believed it. I thought he was a drag on the ticket. Remember the VP debates that year? At one point, while discussing the Clinton economy, Lieberman said, to his opponent Dick Cheney:

I think if you asked most people in America today that famous question that Ronald Reagan asked, "Are you better off today than you were eight years ago?" most people would say, "Yes."

And I'm pleased to see, Dick, from the newspapers, that you're better off than you were eight years ago, too.

Cheney's response to that was "I can tell you, Joe, that the government had absolutely nothing to do with it."

Now at this point, a Democrat with any kind of sense and balls would have said something like "Oh, really? You've been the CEO of Halliburton for the past five years. Your firm has benefited from all kinds of federal contracts and tax breaks. It seems to me that the government had quite a lot to do with it." The objective would be to put Cheney on the defensive, make him look like he had something to hide (which of course he did).

But instead, Lieberman actually said "I can see my wife, and I think she's thinking, Gee, I wish he would go out into the private sector." What a dumb response. He might as well have said "I don't make much money, my wife thinks I'm a loser, and I wish I were as successful as you, Dick." For millions of voters, that exchange was part of the first time they ever saw either Cheney or Lieberman on TV for more than 30 seconds, and the impression they got was that Cheney = rich and successful, Lieberman = poor and loserly. I'm not saying this exchange cost the Democrats the election--hell, if you remember, we actually won it--but it sure didn't help things any.

Since then, Lieberman has drifted to the right, and has become a Bush lapdog. Bush has gone out of his way to physically embrace Lieberman at least twice. He's the GOP's favorite Democrat.

Well, a man named Ned Lamont is trying to change that. He has the crazy notion that a Democratic senator ought to act, speak, and vote like a Democrat instead of like a clone of Bush. He's running in the Connecticut Democratic primary to try to wrest the nomination away from Holy Joe. I hope he succeeds. He needs to raise money, and lots of it. If you're inclined to help the guy out, check out his website, then throw some money his way by going here or here.

I donated a modest amount. Please consider doing so, too.

ITMFA

2006-05-19T22:52:00.000-04:00

So what's ITMFA stand for? Go there and see.

Even more Bush League

2006-05-19T09:22:00.000-04:00

As David Letterman used to say: tell the neighbors, wake up the kids. Wyatt Reed, our resident cartoonist, has recently completed and posted not one, but two, yes two, new Bush League cartoons to his site.

At first Wyatt thought he could do one cartoon each month, but lately he's been more prolific than that. He's done four so far in May already and there's still nearly two weeks left in the month. Can he continue this fevered pace? I bet he can. I will personally buy him a can of Red Bull and some beef jerky the next time I see him, just to make sure he keeps his energy up.

Anyway, please go read the new 'toons, and let him know what you think. Unlike those stuck-up clowns at the big newspapers, he actually wants feedback, because he cares about you, the reader. Isn't that nice?

Kosar: sacked again

2006-05-19T01:41:00.000-04:00

I see that ex-Browns quarterback Bernie Kosar's wife Babette has filed for divorce.

From the Plain Dealer:

Bernie Kosar's wife asked a judge to order one of Cleveland's favorite former quarterbacks to undergo a psychiatric exam.

She also asked the judge to have Kosar tested for drugs amid an ugly divorce unfolding in a Florida court.

I don't know whether Bernie's been on drugs or not, but the guy should have gotten a check up from the neck up two years ago for this alone.

Death on the highway

2006-05-18T22:47:00.000-04:00

There won't be any jokes or humor in this post. Only sorrow.

This afternoon, while driving north on I-75 in central Kentucky, on my way back to Cleveland from Atlanta, traffic got backed up in all three northbound lanes, and first one ambulance, then another, passed by me. A few minutes later, I drove past the ambulances. Traffic was moving in the leftmost two lanes, but in the other lane, there was a dead body on the highway, covered with a blanket or tarpaulin. A bare foot stuck out from under the covering, which made the scene even more chilling.

There was a semi parked along the side of the road, but it didn't look very damaged, and there were no other damaged vehicles nearby. And about a hundred yards down the road, I saw a Bronco-like vehicle parked on the berm.

This was the first time I ever saw a dead body at an accident scene, but for some reason I immediately thought that the death was a suicide.

When I got home this evening I did a little Googling and found out that apparently I was correct. From the website of WKYT, a TV station in Lexington, Kentucky:

An accident on the Interstate 75 in Fayette County killed a woman this afternoon. It happened at the 100 mile marker, which is near the Athens-Boonesboro exit.

Eyewitnesses say the woman parked on the side of the road, walked around her vehicle and then walked into oncoming traffic.

She was hit by a passing semi truck.

The accident slowed traffic to a crawl on the Interstate.

Investigators are still looking into the accident, but say it appears to be a suicide.

WLEX in Lexington had a similar story on its website, with the added detail that a suicide note had been left in the dead woman's vehicle.

That the woman chose to end her own life is sad, of course. I think even the most mentally healthy of us have at least thought about suicide at some point, if only in the most theoretical of terms. When someone actually goes through with it, we shudder, but we understand it.

But the decision to do it by walking in front of an oncoming vehicle is something that is harder to wrap our minds around. At least it is for me. I suppose in terms of effectiveness, it's almost foolproof. When you step in front of a semi truck going 70 miles per hour, you are virtually guaranteed to die. But of course others were endangered by the woman's action: the semi driver, certainly, and other drivers who reacted to the woman, or to the truck driver's reaction. As far as I know no one else was physically hurt, and for that at least, we can be thankful. But the psychic damage caused to those who witnessed the suicide will never be tallied, will never be fully understood.

One of my friends used to be a truck driver. About ten years ago, he hit and killed a young man, also intent on suicide, who stepped in front of his truck. My friend was then, and is now, a member of AA, and a good one. His program is so strong he never picked up a drink over what happened, but I promise you that not a day goes by that he doesn't think about that young man, and what impulse caused him to do what he did.

Driving past that scene was a somber coda to an otherwise pleasant vacation for me. I assure you that I drove a little more carefully the rest of the way home. As for the woman who died, I am not a religious man, and so I don't think an afterlife awaits her. But if I am wrong, I hope that her soul is at rest. I hope that her family and friends will remember her during happier times. And I hope that her example shows us yet again the wrongness of choosing a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Update: The dead woman has been identified.

OK, here's a taste

2006-05-17T22:14:00.000-04:00

One of the things I did on my vacation was to catch Elvis Costello and the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra at the Fox Theatre.

I've seen Elvis in concert 15 times since 1979, in venues ranging from smoky rock clubs, tennis stadiums, and even at Avery Fisher Hall in Lincoln Center, but I'd never before seen him perform with an orchestra. The first part of the show was devoted to selections from EC's symphonic work "Il Sogno." The second half featured EC and his longtime pianist Steve Nieve going through about a dozen songs from throughout Elvis's career, with orchestral backing.

This photo was taken by Robb D. Cohen for the Atlanta Journal Constitution. To see more photos from the show, click here.

That seeing this show wasn't even the highlight of my vacation should give you some idea of how much fun I had. And not just fun, I also visited a few places that humbled me, if only for a day or two.

Coming back home

2006-05-17T21:56:00.000-04:00

Regular readers of Waffle Ass, both of you, may have noticed that I haven't been contributing anything for a while now. I've been on vacation in the Dirty South, and frankly I've been having too much fun to spend time blogging.

But tomorrow my vacation ends. I'll be driving back to Cleveland on Thursday, and once I get some photos developed, I'll tell you all about my trip to Memphis and Atlanta. Provided, of course, that I make it back home intact.

In the meantime, keep on truckin'. More in a day or two! Peace out.

Badly feeling bad

2006-05-16T13:28:00.000-04:00

I don't really have much to say lately. The weather in Ohio has been cool and dreary for about five days now. We can't complain, since we did have a very mild winter, but it's still a downer. It becomes unavoidable to sit down in the evening and feel a deep sense of sadness over the way things have transpired personally and publicly over the past four and a half years since 9/11. I feel lucky enough since others worldwide are dying in disasters and wars and I'm not, so far. I can't help feeling anger at so many of God's true believers who think and behave so badly. I'm not an elitist; I readily include myself in the behaving badly category. I do not exalt evil actions done in support of a supreme being, however, as many do.